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Because when it comes to wine–consider it an emergency.
Before you a magnificent spread, the essential vacation splurge food groups: fresh bread, pecorino, coppa, perhaps something leafy and green to assuage any fleeting remnants of guilt. And of course, a bottle or two of wine to tie it all together. The night is young, or the afternoon old. Perfect company excited for a postcard picnic. All ingredients present and accounted for.
Wait. No. This can’t be happening. You hauled this bounty a mile and a half from the village, descending 242 irregular steps only to realize the key to the treasure trove somehow forgotten in haste. CORKSCREW MIA. ¾” of spongy wood separate success from failure. Deep breaths. We’re here to help.
Call in the extraction team
Before banging, bashing, stabbing and MacGyvering, survey the landscape for help. Every variety of eatery that serves wine is in possession of the tool you seek. The chances are favorable that a sympathetic employee will take pity on your plight and perform the rite for a few Euro tip.
Hands and feet
Now we get to more desperate measures. Time to take things into our own hands, and in this case, feet too. Remove your shoe (flat bottomed). Allow it to air out for politeness. Remove the foil cover with your hands. Insert the bottle with the neck facing up, grip tightly and find a wall, tree, or other hard surface. Strike forcefully a few times. With effort, the pressure will induce the cork to protrude far enough to pull out. You’re welcome.
Locksmith
Though you’ve undoubtedly stripped your standard car/home/work jingle loop to the bone, you’re laying your head somewhere with a lock. If your choice of lodging requires a pin code or plastic card to access, skip this option, whimper and book Trova next time.
The YouTube personality known as “CrazyRussianHacker” recommends the key method and claims, “How simple is that?”- Which according to Internet law means it’s almost certainly challenging. Basically, jab a conventional metal key deep into the cork at a 45-degree angle, hold the bottle in a vice grip and slowly rotate the offending stopper up and out. If you’ve bent the key in the process, consider confessional or at least letting reception know.
Push over pull
Mouths are dry, the damned thing won’t budge and your shoe looks worse for wear. If the cork will not come out, it must go in. This is a sommelier sacrilege and a minor crime against humanity. Using thumbs, keys, pen, small knife, lipstick- anything pointed or cylindrical- push the offending blockade down. It will splash and bob but you will drink.
BONUS BALLER ACHIEVEMENT
Sparkling wines are always good to go by nature of their carbonation. They put the “pop” in “poppin’ bottles.” However, for maximum effect, consider sabrage.*
- Step one: Acquire a small sword or large knife.
- Step two: After removing the foil and cage or muselet, position the bottle at roughly a 45-degree angle.
- Step three: Using the dull back edge of the blade, make one smooth motion away from your body and across the neck of the bottle, striking off the cork and upper rim of glass. Whoever performs this feat should be referred to only as “Captain” for the following 24 hours.
*Attempt at your own risk. Trova Trip will not be responsible in the event of injury. We will happily take credit for thoroughly impressing your friends.
Conclusion
Consider your next wine mishap a thing of the past. What's that saying? Prior planning prevents... us from not being able to drink wine. Cheers!